Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
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Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Me: [walks up to boss] *SLAP*
Boss: WTH?!
Me: It’s Natl Bully Month
Boss: No, it’s Natl Bully PREVENTION Month!
Me: well this is awkward
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
doing your own taxes
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌