1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
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Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.