So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.