My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
You Might Also Like
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.