Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!