This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
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If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
i choose….tongue