6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
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Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”