So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Meow
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”