“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
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We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace