I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
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I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.