[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
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Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.