There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
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Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
When you let grandma cat sit
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
4-year-old: Dad?
Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.
4:
Me:
4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?
Now I’m awake.
interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.