The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
You Might Also Like
some things should go without saying
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
We all have our pet causes.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My dog after a walk in the woods.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.