I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for