[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.