Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
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no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?