Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
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This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.