Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
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Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Meowchelangelo
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”