Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
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Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
We need to put an American base on the sun
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar