Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
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I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance