Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
You Might Also Like
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .