I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Me too, bag. Me too….
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.