“felt cute might delete later lolz”
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….