ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
You Might Also Like
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
translated into Canadian
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.