Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that鈥檚 exactly what I needed in that moment 馃珷
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Hitlers gonna hitl
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
I thought my house was falling down but it鈥檚 just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Friend: I can鈥檛 believe they鈥檙e already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don鈥檛 know what he wants from me but whatever it is he鈥檚 going to get it
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.