Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
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[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.