“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
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My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese