If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
You Might Also Like
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD