If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
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“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.