Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
some cats are just doing for fun!
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“OMGJK” -atheists
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.