At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
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I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.