him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
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One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.