Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
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The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
Just a bush.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.