I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
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Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”