My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
You Might Also Like
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
*power walks to the refrigerator*
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
My kids were complaining they couldn’t find a tv programme to watch so I told them how little choice there was when I was a kid and 5 rolled her eyes and said “things have changed in the last 100 years mummy” and went back to scrolling
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.