if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.