Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
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I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Lol #dogsoftwitter
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.