Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
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I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time