When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
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the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
No, YOUR illiterate.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
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I am all good here, 😂😉