Hot Panini is in big trouble
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The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
Hot Hot Hot
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
tourist season
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
it must be school picture day
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.