[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
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Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?