Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
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The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins