Why is it spelled camouflage and not
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Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
Somebody call the cops.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.