I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
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Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch