Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
You Might Also Like
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
How high do the levels go?
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship