Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
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Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.