HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I spend 99% of my drunk time chasing my cat around trying to give him a hug.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
this has done me in for some reason
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”