I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
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Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
cause of death:
autopsy.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me