My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be