Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
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I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
I accidentally walked into an open mic comedy night in a cafe where immediately upon walking in the comic said “look at this guy he’s gonna leave soon”
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
San Francisco has too many rules
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit